Dealing with T.O.B.Y – The Other Bit of You


We all have parts of ourselves which we intensely hate, desperately deny or seek to suppress wholesale. Sometimes it’s a way of thinking, an energetic legacy you’re ashamed of or a part of yourself that seems to contradict all that you stand for.

We often call this our ‘Shadow’ side or ‘Dark’ Side – terms which I don’t quite use in this way as there are certain forms of healing, nurture and profound reconnection with Spirit that can only take place in the more sacred understanding / space of Darkness. It’s not something that you banish with the Light lest you seek to erase your own cosmic, biological and energetic origins. It’s a very different energy from what one might call malevolence or evil – just to be clear, for those of you new to my work.

You find it when you gaze at the stars, when you swim with your eyes closed in the ocean, when you lie down on the floor of a cave, when you nestle in your Mother’s womb. Sacred moments in Sacred Spaces of Darkness.

So what to call this side? The parts that you’re trying hard to stuff in the spiritual wardrobe? Let’s just call it – The Other Bit of You (Apologies to the TOBY-s of the world).

Some might prefer the strategy of denial, which often ropes in that classic crowd favourite … ‘self-sabotage’. Others might stride in with self-righteous courage and seek to banish T.O.B.Y, or flood it with healing light. Another opted-for strategy is self-punishment, where you’re aware of it, and keep beating yourself up for being a ‘bad’ person.

Having done all of the above — speaking for myself here — none of that worked in the long run.

Pretending I didn’t have those bits, feeling sad/bad I had them, casting them away whilst perched on my high ethical/moral steed didn’t quite cut it. I’m sure humanity has found other ways to deal with their Tobies … but you get the gist.

The only thing that did work was Acceptance. There was just no way around it.

I had to be able to look in a mirror and see – both the parts of me that I did love, and those that I didn’t.

And to be okay with that. To come to peace with it.

And in that process, with myself as well.

For you see – over time – The Other Bit of You stops being ‘The Other’ .. .and all you have … at the end … is just You. It doesn’t go away, but you realize that it is a part of you that you do not need to be controlled by or to shy away from.

Many of us do the same time we see an old self, a memory, and realize that who we were back then is not the same as who we are now. It’s a similar process, I find, in dealing with the parts that we dislike about ourselves.

Eventually, once we’ve reached the state where we can simply Accept the Self for ALL that it is, I’m sure we’ll each find a new chapter opening in our continuing journey with the Divine.

Remember that each of us faces this question at some point in life, and very often, we judge ourselves far harsher than we need to.

There is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ , ‘flawless’ person who has never done anything wrong in their life! Try not to judge yourselves by impossible standards 🙂

To Sum it Up:

Practice Compassion, Forgiveness and Acceptance – starting with You!


Priestess Bairavee Balasubramaniam PhD

Image Info: Woman in front of a Mirror, Mose Bianchi.jpg [Public Domain, Wikimedia Commons]



Quite a few people I know seem to be in a state of spiritual limbo or some kind of inner breakdown/turmoil right now. The energy of Mercury Rx in Libra, with the Scorpio Eclipse approaching feels as though one’s life & life choices are under review and intense scrutiny. For some, long-forgotten wounds are rising to the surface to be acknowledged. With all that shifting – for those who experience it in this form – here’s a couple of commonsensical ideas that often get missed in the intensity of it all:

(1) Be gentle with yourself. Chances are whatever’s happening is not done ‘on purpose’ or ‘by design’ just to make you miserable. It’s a process, and one you’re going through as you move towards Wholeness. You’ll emerge from this part of it, just as you always have. Have faith in your capacity to learn, bounce back and integrate all these intense lessons.

(2) Be gentle with yourself. You aren’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’ for having a ‘shadow side’. Yes, it exists. No, you cannot slay it into oblivion (well, you could try if you liked). Ideally, learn to accept the fact that there are things about you that you would rather not have. And know that even those parts teach you something valuable. If you can’t see the gifts they bear, at the very least work on the fact of accepting their existence in the first place. Denial will not help, in the long-run. And it’s okay – we’ve all got shadow selves. You’re probably not as ‘bad’ as you think.

(3) Be gentle with others. Those going through the ‘internal churning process’ may not be quite as pleasant as normal to those around them. Most people aren’t mind-readers, just communicate your needs if you have them. Assuming you have decent people around you, you’ll probably get some of those needs met by asking – ,if they are valid demands (e.g. I need a hug, I need some space, I need to talk, etc.). Remember that they are people too, undergoing their own internal processes at the same time that you are. Try to return the favour/kindness/attention when you can, if they are in need of it at a later point.

(4) Be gentle. The Universe throws us enough challenges and opportunities for growth and epic transformation. We do not need to make a bumpy ride even bumpier. Take it one day at a time and know that each little step on each day adds up to a mountain of progress in the long run. Baby steps. Nothing wrong with that.

(5) Laugh. Be Inspired. Be Moved. Watch or do something that takes your mind off all of this. Whether it’s a cheesy sitcom, a soap opera, a sunset, a baby giggling – get out of that headspace, or that funk.

(6) Love and Be Grateful. You’re still standing. You’re alive. You have the ability and opportunity to make better decisions than you did in the past. You have the chance not only to change your lives but the lives of those around you, for the better. Be grateful that you have that opportunity, even if it doesn’t seem like you could ever do that now. Gratitude works wonders. Try being grateful for yourself, your existence, at the very least. You were born of Love, even if you may not feel it at this time.

(7) Rest. Sleep longer if you can. Sit under a tree if you find one you like. Visit a temple. Go someplace where you can simply stay still and just sigh with relief. You need that moment of peace and respite from whatever it is that you’re facing. Don’t be afraid to take a little time out just to wind down.

Blessings, and I hope this is of help for those experiencing the current energies in a ‘rough’ manner.

With Love,
Priestess Bairavee Balasubramaniam, PhD

Image Information – Rainbow Tunnel.jpg – By Mark Chandler10smark (Own work) [CC-BY-3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons